I returned to the wadi, to look for the fairy who had kindly given me the key to the well of memories, and the spell of forgetting.
On my way there I thought about how I give her feedback regarding my experience at the well of memories. I memorized the text I would tell her emphatically and firmly, but these dissolved as soon as I met her, sitting on a rock, playing with flower petals.
- You're back
- Yes. I did not make it to the bottom of the memory well
- It was dark there, and I could not breathe
- Yes, it happens
- And there's another problem. The spell of forgetting does not work. I increased the dose, yet the memories continue to haunt me.
- Yes, that happens, said the fairy.
- You have magical powers. Can't you make it work?
The fairy let out a slight sigh and smiled. She was taught in fairy school that there is no point in arguing with customers. Yet she couldn’t resist.
"There are certain things that even if we throw them to the bottom of the well of memories, they will float and make their way up and come back to us time and time again. It is their way of telling us they are here to stay, for now. They are back to awaken us” the fairy said.
- Awaken us? To do what, exactly?
- To mend. Memories that we did not treat with the respect they deserve come back to haunt us. They demand our attention.
- Attention? I go to sleep with them and get up with them. What else are they asking for?
- They are asking you to make things right, said the fairy, keeping her cool.
- Can I go back and fix things? Prevent what happened before it happened?
- No. It does not work that way. Even fairies like me do not have the powers to prevent something before it happens.
- So what can I do?
- You need to upgrade to a premium program, the fairy replied seriously.
- So in the end it's all a matter of money, I replied, hoping my angry tone would make her offer me a discount or free trial for three months.
- No, it's not a matter of money. But you do have to pay.
She motioned for me to reach out and placed a gold coin, with a heart embedded in its center, instructing me to close my hands on the coin for a few minutes.
"It's a charm of healing," she said. "Use it wisely, and as you see fit." Then, as is the way of fairies, she disappeared and left me with questions and concerns.
I opened my hands and saw that they were painted, in fact, they were covered with of beautiful mandalas and circular labyrinths. These images were beautiful and hard to decipher at the same time, like a poem. I looked at the drawings on my palm, examined their circularity, noticing the visible and the hidden in them. They urged me to linger, to make another curious effort.
Then the charm in my palm began to warm up and release a strong and dazzling light. I wanted to close my palms to put an end to the light that hurt my eyes. But I was afraid that this will only intensify the burning sensation in my palms. I held my breath, for complete silence. I thought maybe the charm would speak to me, but no. It remained silent, hot and dazzling. Streams of pain sprang from the palms to the throat, to the feet, to the eyes.
"It's not a matter of money, but you do have to pay," I recalled the fairy’s words.
The etchings on my palms began to open up and take on a life of their own. Their departure from my bare skin sent a searing pain down my spine. I heard my voice screaming. The eyes struggled to stay open in the face of the charm’s strong light. The legs began to walk and walk.
I finally reached a crossroads. Each road led, of course, to a different place.
Straight ahead was beautiful stone bridge over a blue stream where happy goldfish swam. On the left, was a hollow and terrified tree trunk. On the right, green meadows infested with rabbits.
"Are you for real?!", I shouted at the long-lost fairy. "You have nothing else in your repertoire other than to put me again in Fucking Wonderland?
- Alice in Wonderland is a classic, one brown rabbit told me, giving me a scolding, offended look.
- Whatever, I replied. Aren't you tired of leading people down rabbit holes that lead nowhere?
- There’s nothing wrong with my holes, the rabbit replied. It's you who lack patience. A little humility will not hurt you either.
I was a little sorry for taking my anger out on the fairy and the rabbit.
But the pain in my body had to find its way out. Slowly, the pain in my hands, eyes and legs has subsided, leaving only a fading memory in my bones. My words began to return to me, taking the place of the cry that had escaped my throat.
"It's not a matter of money, but you have to pay," the fairy said.
I think she meant that we must pay by making our voices heard, by not looking the other way, by paying off the debt of guilt. Maybe this is how healing begins. Maybe this charm of healing was worth all the pain, after all.
May 2022 be a year of personal and collective healing.
#Storytelling #Healing #New_year